


Turning the Key

by oneroughdraftaway



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, treebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 03:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12027294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneroughdraftaway/pseuds/oneroughdraftaway
Summary: Evan finally works up the courage to talk to Connor.





	Turning the Key

"Alright, everyone, I'm going to let you pick your partners for this assignment."

Every student tuned out after that sentence. Most were looking at their friends, the partnership already chosen, but Evan was off in his own world. Today was the day he's been waiting for his entire life: the perfect opportunity to talk to the most perfect boy, Connor Murphy. 

It'd taken Evan a year to be brave enough to think about this, as embarrassing as that was. He'd planned the situation a thousand times and had most of their relationship prewritten.   
He adored Connor even though they'd never talked before  
It was daunting how cool Connor was, but opposites attract, right? 

In his mind, Evan went over collection of conversation starters gathered from the past year. He could just imagine how it would go:

He'd walk up to Connor , maybe having to clear his throat or start off with an, "excuse me?" to get his attention. Either one would work. Evan pictures exactly how Connor would look up with hope and surprise sparkling in his eyes. He probably wouldn't be able to believe someone wanted to talk to him. Maybe this was just a projection of himself onto Connor but Evan held strongly to it. 

Then he'd ask, "do you want to be my partner?" Of course, Connor would agree even if he didn't really want to, but Connor definitely would want it.   
They had that Outsider Connection. It'd be perfect. They'd be fine. Evan could do this. 

He was shaking as he stood up. He could feel the terror pulsing through his veins as he made his way to the back of the classroom to Connor's "official" seat.

Maybe he could back out? No one would notice. Oh but everyone was looking at him. Deep down he knew that no one even knew he was there but he felt them all judging his every step. He had to follow through.  He'd been waiting all his life for this. 

He kept repeating the script as he kept walking, making sure he for it right. He knew it was no use since his words always crumble whenever  when they hit the air. 

Oh fuck, this was going to be so embarrassing. Connor would hate him, and laugh at him. Evan wondered if he should go back to his seat and work alone.

No, no. Everything would be fine, Evan assured himself. This was all in Evan's head, Connor wouldn't get mad at him. Connor would just accept or decline politely and it didn't matter because it'd mean that Evan had talked to the most beautiful, most amazing boy in the school.

Finally. He was there, in front of Connor Murphy's desk, shaking like a leaf. 

"H-h-hey," he started out with a nervous smile.

"What?" Connor shot back instantly, not looking up. 

Evan was taken aback. How could Connor do that to him? After all they'd been through and how connected they were. 

"I was just w-w-wondering if you'd   
maybe like t-t-to be my   
pa-artner?" Evan tensed up from his stutter. He hated himself. Why couldn't he speak like a normal person and just make sense? Why did it seem so normal to be terrified of such a "simple" encounter? 

Connor finally looked up and it wasn't at all how Evan pictured it. 

It scared Evan. He'd never been faced with that type of hostility before. It'd been exactly what had kept him from speaking. He thought he was over exaggerating but it'd proven himself true. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," he backed up, eyes on the ground. 

He dug his nails into his arm. Oh no, he was making a scene. He was drawing attention to himself, and everyone was staring but more importantly Connor was glaring. He didn't want to be Evan's partner or his friend. 

He wasn't sure if he had heard or imagined Connor's "wait." He couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality any more. 

He ran to the bathroom before anyone could see him and locked himself into the stall. He let everything out, sobbing carelessly until he noticed how loud he was being. Anyone could come in and yell at him for being so annoying. 

That was it. There wasn't any question that he was going to Do It. The second he got home he would end it all.

What was keeping him around? He wasn't living in the slightest, he didn't know what life is. Every other kid in that school lived. They had relationships. They were doing drugs and drinking and having sex when Evan couldn't even greet someone properly. He'd never catch up. He'd never be able to talk. He didn't want to be alone and he didn't deserve company. 

Connor was the only thing keeping him grounded, but everything they had was over. He had felt so connected to Connor, but that wasn't enough. His heart was stinging with Connor's words.

Connor would be happy if Evan left.


End file.
